


Coffee

by CharismaticEnticer



Category: Die Anstalt
Genre: 'Sponsored' by Nescafe, Caffeine Dependency, Caffeine Overdose, Coffee, Drug Addiction, Gen, Germany, Headcanon Names, Humor, Mental Institutions, No Spoilers, POV First Person, Past Tense, technically caffeine is a drug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-03
Updated: 2013-01-03
Packaged: 2017-11-23 12:57:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/622374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharismaticEnticer/pseuds/CharismaticEnticer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The road to hell - or at least a pretty severe blot on the copybook - is paved with good intentions and Nescafe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coffee

**Author's Note:**

> I'm putting all my gen works up first, to soften the blow for when the shippy stuff comes in. This one is rather strange, in my opinion; I intended it to be sort of humorous but not at the same time? Though YMMV. 
> 
> Originally written and published on May 27th 2012. The only difference between this and the other-site publication is the addition of brackets around dialogue to signify that it is being spoken in German; I erroneously omitted them at some point during the writing process.
> 
> Die Anstalt © Martin Kittsteiner.

While I admit to being the root of the fiasco it caused later, it was actually Nurse Nadel who first brought in the coffee machine. It was one of two she'd had at home, so we didn't have to pay for it out of the clinic's pocket, and admittedly her reason for it was compelling, considering.  
  
Working in a psychiatric clinic with patients who have been tossed around the fringes of society before admission is a depressing job. When their problems are wrapped in a skin of cotton and fuzzy fabric, it's even worse. Even dealing with patients like Lilo on a good day is enough to lower one's mood considerably, and energy rarely if ever replenishes itself, so what better cure than concentrated vitality in a mug? They had to be used for something besides hot water, after all.  
And anyway, even before departure, Dr Kindermann had never said she couldn't.  
  
I just want to reiterate: it wasn't Nurse Nadel's fault. Neither of us knew what boneheaded decision I'd make later, so it seemed like a perfectly good idea. The brand of coffee stuffed in there certainly persuaded me - the two of us could keep Nescafe in business single-handedly if we had the money (their coffee is just that good).  
I'm just saying, she was the one that brought in the machine. Not me.  
  
\-----  
  
I was on my third mug in six hours, a little pick-me up before my lunch break, when the idea came to me. I'd just been working with Dr Wood again, and he seemed a bit... off. He kept looking up at the picture of Freud on the wall throughout the session, writing constantly in that little notebook of his. He wouldn't tell me anything was wrong, obviously, but he kept muttering "[I have to impress him]" under his breath, so I made of that what I would.  
Perhaps he thinks a doctor never shows vulnerability or something.  
  
My little germ of an idea - to brew Wood a free cup of coffee - had a logical reasoning behind it. Nurse Nadel feels stressed out, she drinks coffee. I feel stressed out, I drink coffee. Wood couldn't be more stressed out if he tried, so it lent itself to reason...  
Yeah, something felt a little bit wrong about the decision, even after I'd already turned on the machine and chosen him a nice clean mug with a silhouette of a blackbird on it. Wood himself pointed out the potential logical flaw in my plan when I presented it to him: "[I've gotten by for two years in the industry without coffee, and I don't intend to depend on it now.]" But all it took was me partly-disguising it as a sort of experiment for him to accept the drink.  
The excuse even had an element of truth to it: I really _didn't_ know if toys could drink in the conventional sense. I'd never seen them try.  
  
He appeared to enjoy it, at any rate, and he even thanked me for it. It was that that comforted me as I headed out with Nurse Nadel to our usual haunt of the Königsstuhl National Park Centre.  
One cup of coffee for one plush raven who sorely needed it couldn't hurt, right?  
  
\-----  
  
Unfortunately, it could. As I re-entered the clinic with a cheese-topped butterbrot nestled in my stomach, three things happened in very quick succession.  
First, we saw that the coffee maker, which I'd switched off on the way out, was on and working overtime, and a huge chunk of the Nescafe was gone.  
Second, a terrifying thought occurred. Humans are bulky things, between 1.4 and 2 metres, and can handle copious amounts of caffeine. Wood, and most of the cuddly toys in our care, are only 20cm tall. If 10g of coffee beans can have such a strong effect on a human...  
Third, Sly burst through the door separating the nurse's station and the patient lounge in a streak of colors, eyes dilating and constricting even more than usual.  
  
Indeed, Sly and Dub had made a little game of it. One sip of their coffees each to "[power-up fast fast]", waiting for a minute to get the jitters out of their system, then a race around the asylum. Knocking down other toys or items in their wake cost them five points - or was it ten? After a while, they forgot to keep score, and the patient lounge was a mess.  
Wood, unbelievably, wasn't reprimanding this behaviour. In fact he'd been the one to brew all the drinks in our absence, to give to the others - anything that made _him_ feel good, he said in an unusually pleasant monotone, would make _them_ feel good too, "[and making everyone feel good is what you want, what Freud would have wanted]". He pointed to Dolly as he said this to us, who was struggling to stand up, giggling manically, like she didn't know the meaning of unhappiness...admittedly not the best example.  
Lilo was trying his best to stay out of the action, though he had managed to get to the painting supplies and was painting meaningless patterns on the ground for Sly to slide through. But even he complained (in his own silent way) of feeling nauseous and dizzy.  
  
Kroko had it the worst, simply because he was nowhere amongst the chaos.  
"[Christ, Wood, _how much coffee did you give the guy?!]_ " I nigh-on yelled upon finally finding him in the therapy room with his blanket on the floor. He was alternating between taking glugs from my favourite mug and hyperventilating, and refused to give it back to me no matter how hard I yanked at it.  
"[I didn't,]" he replied, that eerily-happy tone unchanging. "[I didn't give him any coffee at all.]"  
"[Then how do you explain--?!]"  
  
"[Kroko is aquaphobic, you idiot, it said in his file. You can't give an aquaphobic crocodile coffee with water in it. That would be self-destructive. So I gave him a café au lait instead.]"  
  
Shockingly, that didn't make me, or Kroko himself, feel any better.  
  
\-----  
  
Detoxing all of the patients, including Wood himself, was top priority. It mostly involved locking them in their bedrooms (his office in the latter's case) and letting them sit it out while Nurse Nadel locked up, double-locked, the coffee machine and all the mugs in a private cupboard and I prayed against hope that this wouldn't go on my employee record for Kindermann to tsk over when he returned. Kindermann, for the record, I am so so sorry, and this will never happen again, I swear to Steiff.  
  
None of them slept well that night, leading to quite a few cranky faces in the morning. Dolly was even more vicious than usual and Kroko refused to function for a good thirty minutes. Dub was apparently the only one to go deep enough to have a dream, and all he could remember of that was giant menacing snakes chasing him down with an ax. I didn't need dream analysis therapy to parse the meaning behind **that**.  
  
If you manage to pay a visit to the clinic and head to the employee kitchen, you can still see the sign we made as an attempt at damage control.  
  


"[ **WARNING: COFFEE IS NOT FOR CUDDLY TOYS.**  
DO NOT ALLOW PATIENTS OR DR WOOD TO ACCESS THIS CUPBOARD.

THAT MEANS YOU TOO, KROKO.  
STOP PICKING THE LOCK. WE KNOW IT'S YOU.]"


End file.
